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Surviving Abuse, Neglect, and more - My True Past... I was an abused , born into many problems and hard times. I write this not for sympathy or attention, but instead, to give hope to those who may be struggling in life. At: AGE 5 - father has insane anger issues and is abusive physically and mentally - I was Beaten with huge wide leather belt on bare skin often. That, or sometimes an extention cord, or a metal-wire hanger. - He threw my 4yr brother in the clothing dryer, turned it on, and left it on for many minutes. - He duct taped my hands, feet, and mouth.. then holding a live power tool, reved it up as he said he was going to commit "toolbox murder'. That he would cut up all the pieces and toss them in the ocean where the sharks could eat them, and nobody would know. - He went to the track and gambled every penny we had away. Mother finally kicked him out. - One bigger neighborhood girls at the place we lived at tackled me to the ground, and pushed my face into the mud while sitting on me. She screamed and yelled that I was going to meet satan, and scared me very badly. (I wasnt supervised or cared for well) * Since father beat me so often, I was always in fear and duress. It caused me to have vivid nightmares every night for many years... that litterally scared the pee out of me... to awaken to a soaked bed. Mother yelling at me too.. caused it to be even worse, and last a long time. I still to this day remember most of those Nightmares. - First day of School when I went to ride the bus.. The teens at the trailer park grabbed me and spun me arround, threating to let me go. Picked on me. Pushed me arround..etc. - At winter the at the stop threw Ice balls that landed at my head, and other areas. Very painfull.  * From the fact that my mother didnt care for me, my father abused me, and now people outside were messing with me... it caused me to become hateful, bitter, and much worse. I felt as if the entire world was against me. I rarely spoke to Anyone, untill about 4th grade... and even then, it wasnt much. Because of this lack of communication, I had a very under-developed voice. You could barely hear me at all, even in complete quiet. I also wasnt developed socially. Was shy, unconfident, quiet, and non social. - I was thin and frail, and got sick often. Missed more than half of kindergarten, so was sent to Pre-First. - Was found out that I had Dyslexia (seeing, reading and writing letters and numbers backwards and inside out). Somehow, my mind self corrected it before 1st grade. - Had speach impediments. Couldnt make the "S" sound, and a few others. Corrected with a speach therapist before 1st grade. - In Pre-first, was the shortest in class.. even the woman were taller and stronger. - Very clutzy, weak, frail. They made me go into a special gym class in pre-first cause they were worried Id get hurt with the others. I hated that, and worked very hard, and finally got good results so as to re-join the rest of the class. Even so, I was still very weak and uncoordinated for much of my young life. I was always picked last to be on a team for Gym class. - Not too good in school. Poor memmory. Easily distracted. Daydreamed most the day away. * Later in life, I heard that Mother took a special drug to help keep food down when she was pregnant with me. They have since banned it. More than likly, it was the reason why I was such a mess. - My mother was/is a chain smoker. I couldnt stand to be arround her. Felt I couldnt breath, and got headaches and felt Ill from it. She wouldnt quit for me, and wouldnt even consider it. One more reason why we never got along. After Age 5... - Mother explained that our father was a Bad Man, which at the time I didnt quite understand fully. It made me feel bad about myself, because I was part of my father... so I felt I was bad too. Because of this sentence, I then started to weigh everyone and everything... seeing what made it bad or good. - Mother married another jerk who pushed us arround. Luckily not as bad. But surely there was no care for us from him at all. - Lived at an appartment complex where there were 2 bullies that beat on me, pushed me arround, and picked on me constantly through several years of my time there. - In grade school picked on cause of: * girlish looks * awefull clothing (was poor in a well-to-do town) * weak strength and clumbsy * not too bright, slow learner * bad attitude. could anyone blame me. heh * was an easy target - Had only one 'sorta' friend in grade school, and he moved away in a years time after his mother was killed in a car crash. I was basically all alone, all my young life. - Always had to watch over my younger Bro and 2 sisters. Always got into trouble because of thier actions. - Had to cook and clean for them as well. Didnt have much of a childhood. - Was never given love from mother. Only disgust, anger, and threats to kick me out every other week or so. - I was depressed often for many reasons. One was because I always wished I could have belonged to a family that was loving and caring. I often cried for hours durring these bouts. - Mother played mental games with us.. trying to make us feel guilty... Lying about what comments we said to her. All it did was split me further appart from her. - My face always looked like a bitter angry frown, because I never smiled. Even when I did smile, all it did was look like a straight line, because my facial muscles were not excercised enough with smiles to actually do it. So even when I started to smile when things started to get better... it took about 1yr before it looked like I was smiling. - I felt I was ugly, with huge nose and crooked teeth... was poor and couldnt afford nice clothes.. I hated myself, and was Disliked or hated by nearly everyone arround me. Even my mother didnt want me. I contemplated suicide often. Didnt care about life at all. I Didnt have anything of value.. nor did I vaule nearly anything. And because of that, didnt pay any attention in school. Did poorly, barely passing each grade. Of course, mother never helped with school work. Noone would nor could help. - One time, We had to move to a new place... The school was very far away from our house. I overslept a few times because I was working too (16). Mother made me walk to the new school.. which I wasnt even sure I knew where it was (bus took a weird and Long path)... in the middle of the winter. If I didnt go, I was to be kicked out. I went.. and it took me over 2hrs to walk there in the freezing cold. Thats how nice my mother was to me. So, those are many of the bad things that have happened in my life. Ive had to fight very hard just to keep myself alive. Very hard to learn to open up to people and to grow as a person. Its been many years of hellish internal pains and struggling, but for the most part, I finally had gotten over my past. It was not easy. While Im far from perfect, I feel Ive accomplished so much... and am greatfull. Life is still hard at times, but nothing could compare with the hardships that I fought inside of myself. I will explain the rest of the journey that is my life, shortly. It will be a lot more positive  heh sorry. Hopefully inspiring to some who may need it.
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2/4/2007 6:09 pm |
Tempest, Thanks for your reply, and your story about your son. Im suprised that your son felt that way, because you seem to be very caring. Even so, you had good communication with him, and interest to make things better. This wasnt so with my mother. I may tell you a bit more later why. Davinci2rinpoche, Thank you for your kind words too. Your question is not delecate in my case, but instead, a good one. The story I posted is a highly condensed version, and left out many details, because it would fill so many more pages. I was very lucky in that our father was kicked out just before I was 6yrs old... as if I had been continually exposed to him, I may have turned out just like him. When he was arround, I was in fact influenced. Because at such a young age, you get your ideas of what is right and wrong.. and acceptable behavior from your parents. Being as such I was one mean cold selfish violent bastard too. One time, I remember I was pissed at my brother for some reason. I grabbed an extention cord, and hung it arround a lamp post affixed to the wall. I told my brother to stand on a step stool. I looped the cord arround his neck, then kicked the stool out from under his legs. I hung him. At the time, I dont believe I had a care. I may have even laughed. I dont recall. Luckily, my mother heard some noises, ran into the room, and got him down. I believe I did feel guilty afterwords. Years later in life, as I think back on what I did. I can hardly believe it. I do feel incredibly bad for what I did. I appologized for that and many things that I had done in the past to him. Although I can forgive myself for that now... I always hold a certain level of embarrasment, shame and guilt about it inside myself. Its a battle wound... A permanent scar, and reminder. I can honestly say, that Im nothing like my father anymore. I vowed that if I ever had my own children, I would never act as either my mother or father. Im very much the opposite of both of them, and I pride myself of that fact. As for how I feel about my father... Well, he was ok sometimes, and sometimes a raving lunitic. At such a young age, I recall not understanding why he was being kicked out. I mean, he was still my father. I didnt know any better. As I grew older, he was allowed to pick us up and take us out. He was in much better behavior. Of course, there was the fact that he sometimes took us to the horse track so he could bet all night. Or watched football while we sat board and ignored. And sometimes when he said he would come.. we waited hours and he never showed. There were other things too, just too many to list. He wasnt all bad... but very far from good or stable. Anyway, I do not hate him. I learned what made him (and his brother) the way they were. It was thier father (who long since drank himself to death) who mentally messed them up well beyond fixibility. I always had hopes my father would change... but those hopes were always crushed. I didnt get a ton of time to hate him, cause he wasnt arround too much. What I did get tho, were permanent scars and emotional turmoil that lasted yeats. The physical abuse was nothing compared to the mental abuses and hurt I suffered. My Step father, he was never good to us. After mother left him, I always envisioned I would get older, stronger, and come back to beat the hell out of him for the way he treated me and my family. Later in life, I lost that anger. Tho I never lost that bitterness fully. Recently, my half sister got married, and he was at the wedding. He didnt recognize me, and was trying to talk to my other sisters husband. Step father asked him who I was, and then he said to me "Hey, do you remember me?" in an excited way, as If I would be happy to see him again! I was thinking to myself of responding in a not so nice way... but, Ive learned to control myself. I merely did not respond at all, turned arround and ignored him. To me, he wasnt worth a reply. As it was, hs poor attitude had caused him to be all alone. Nobody but my sisters husband (who didnt know any better) said a thing to him. You reap what you sow. Even my half sister is no longer close to him (her father). Im suprised he was invited. Tho I never saw her talking to him either. My mother, was not so much as physical abusive (besides some slaps across the face, and pulling my hair nearly out of my scalp) but was mentally abusive, neglectful, uncaring..etc. Over the years, I tried to make efforts to patch things up with her. It always resulted the same way. She didnt respect me, she betrayed me, and more. After tyring for several years, I finally had it. I gave up, and havnt talked to her in over 3yrs to this date. One reaosn why I tried to swallow my pride and anger and give her more chances, was because everyone tries to make you feel guilty when you tell them that you dont get along with your parents... especially the mother. But later I realized that I dont have to feel guilty, nor deal with the further abuses. Ive had enough abuse in my past.. and now, I will spend my time with people who actually appreciate my company, and treat me with love and respect. My true friends. I do not hold any deep anger or hate twords mother or father anymore, But I have no real feelings twords either... because they never gave any good feelings for me to return back to them. She, like my father, have merely became something like an aquaintence that I dont really care to speak with anymore. I have forgiven, but will never will forget... and I will no longer endure thier negativity in my life. Life is too short, and I will enjoy my life rahter than live under abuse anymore. Thanks Again for your replies, Sincerly Steve
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2/5/2007 11:29 pm |
goannaoil, Thanks for your comments. Sad to hear you had went through simular things. We surely share this: learned not to need people, to be able to determine fact from fiction, lies and manipulation from genuine requests or sincerity. When one doesnt have anyone to turn to... they can only turn inwards for the answers. Of course, need and desire are very different. It was very hard for me to be all alone for so long. It led to desperation for attention and affection... and thus acceptance of relationships which were abusive, unhealthy, unballanced. It made one rush into a relationship too quickly, fall for them before it was real, and the breakup was double the pain as normally should have been... because it carried with it, all the past loneliness and hurts. Luckily, Ive managed to get a better handle on these things through many bad realationships as lessons learned. I have fell from grace every now and then.. but I think Im doing so much better now. Though, I still do get depressed at times, when Ive been alone for too long. I almost shared the beating of stepfather, but my mother hid the fact that her arm was broken from us. When I found out, I was still young and probably couldnt have took him, but I would have tried! She only told us after he was out of our lives, so such an event never took place. You are correct... that sharing can help in many ways. Both to the person, and to those who would hear it. Im past the point where I need to share to heal, but I really did want to share to help others, and for them to understand me (or other abused people) too. davinci2rinpoche, You are correct in that its up to the individual to choose thier path. We can not continue to blame our parents for our entire lifetime. Its just not as easy for those who have been so corrupted... because they arent always aware. There is always hope though. And yes, you are correct in saying that I was very Lucky. I feel very bad for those who were not so fortunate. While my situation is not the greatest... I do the best of what I can with it, and hope for better days ahead  Thank You both for your kind words
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Steve, Your now-attitude is correct. Just focus on the present and build a better future. Time would wash out everything, even pains and hate. When you face an old fragile mom/dad, you may want to hug them.
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Waiting for your story of mental recovery and regaining hope/confidence.
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2/7/2007 3:09 am |
swallowtsui, The 2nd part of the story is posted. Though it is a bit lacking in depth of feelings and mental recovery. So many realizations and triumphs are tied into many various stories that would probably fill up a book heheIn time, I may post some individual stories and thier revelations. Sadly, time seems to be the least currency I have >.< available lolThanks for your comments, Steve
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