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Poison of Jealousy This lesson didnt come till later in life. Here is the story... I went to a Casino with a girl, her sister, and her sisters friend, who I will call 'Ted'. Im not a big gambler, but I didnt mind losing a little once in a while, for the fun and chance to win big. I rarely did such a thing, because my father is a habbitual gambler, and so I was almost against it. I wasnt experienced in Gambling, so I stuck to using the slot machines at that time. Ted, told me how to operate the Slots, and gave some tips on them. Told us stories of how he had won a good sum of cash on certain machines in the past. We all sat at the machines, dropping coins like mad into them. They would pay out a few times... but more often would not. Eventually, Ted's machine paid out a sum of like $200. Instantly, there was a Jealous reaction inside of myself. This feeling progressed over time, as I lost more and more money. Ted had been talking to me about many things earlier. Seemed like a real nice guy, very friendly. He told me about his plans to build PCs for money later on.. and I think he even invited me to learn how. I remember being depressed and Bitter that he had won, and I had lost so much. I tried to hide it, but inside, there was some hostile feelings. Then all the sudden, my machine paid out. I won the same amount of money. A bit later, I won even more. At the end, I had won more than both Ted and his Girl. I was happy for finally winning.. but then I Immediately felt guilty. Because I noticed that Teds reactions to me winning were very different than mine when he had won. He was sincerely happy for me. He didnt care that he had lost more. He wasnt Jealous of me at all. I thought about how bitter I had felt, and how very poor it was of me. How he was such a good friend the entire night, gave me good advice... and how I had repaid that kindness in bitter jealousy. I then realized how poisonous Jealousy was... and learned to overcome it within myself. Jealousy isnt worth losing a good friend over, And, it also poisens your good mood and personality. Its like being in a self created thunderstorm cloud. Later in life, my freinds may have had better fortune at times, and Ive passed my own test, and have been sincerely happy for them. While sadly, I watch many go through simular experiences with Jealousy eating them up. A guy I work with, who is into sports, always gets aggrivated at how much sports players make. He makes comments such as the bitter "Must be Nice!", and much much worse. I myself am shocked at thier wages, and think they are out of line... however, I do not get raving mad.. and bitter about it like he does. One thing in life we must try to do is to just appreciate the very gifts we already possess. Because if we are always bitter about what we dont have, then all we will do is make our lives even more miserable. Physical objects can be fun, but eventually, people will tire of them. What matters much more, is the relationships arround you, and how you feel inside yourself. Jealousy can also be over Love. The same things apply. Be Happy for your fellow Brothers and Sisters when they succeed... Just as you would want them to be happy for you if and when you succeed. For it would be a very dull victory without true loving freinds to share it with. Try to accept what you have, and to learn to appreciate it. Or do something to make it better to your liking, such as getting a better job. Your fate is mostly under your own controls. And more importantly, your internal Happpiness is under your own control. Do not let the Poisen of Jealousy ruin your days, your relationships, and your Life. 
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Steve, By exploring deep into human negative emotion, you show a good example of self-reflection from every detail of life. Thank you. May I ask you always tend to think and reflect?
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2/13/2007 12:02 am |
I go all out to express happiness for another person, to overcompensate for feelings that may not match at first. Is that insincere? I don't think so. The important thing is basking in their reflected energy that I actually helped bolster a little even. Win-win. Believe and be happy, SteveZ. Cheers for the thought provoking post.
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2/13/2007 12:25 am |
swallowtsui, Thank you for your observations and kind words. Ever since I can remember, Ive thought and reflected deeply on things. When one is basically abandoned in life, they only have one way to get the answers they seek. The answers must come from observations arround them, and within oneself.
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2/13/2007 3:43 am |
E_Moldavite, Sometimes I have a little trouble fully understanding your posts. Admittedly, my intellect is inferior. I think I got your point tho. In response, I will say this... I personally do not give away a fake smile, warmest welcome, trust, and some more 'Right away". Because to me, I feel that those are Gifts reserved for those who are Deserving and Trustworthy. There are plenty of people who have walked into my life who were undeserving of any of my time and attention. Luckily, I never got too deep into trouble, from a troubled connection. As truely, there are "Dangerous" people who you do not want to be anything close to budy-budy with. I open up slowly and cautiously over time, just as I expect them to do the same with me. Anyways... Thank you for your kind Comments, Steve 
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2/13/2007 5:37 am |
Hi again SteveZ, I believe in the intrinsic goodness of people, because ultimately we’re all fragments of the light from which we sprung. Sometimes one is just projecting one’s own insecurities and ills onto others. Everyone thinks their own world view is correct, including the ones you judge as “bad” or less than "deserving" or "trustworthy" because that is still only one perspective. Eg. I'm not saying at all that your abuse by your parents was right. My own father attempted to se-xually abuse me in my late adolescence, I have written of it in someone else's blog here, I do not wish to dwell on it but just choose to raise it occasionally when called for to demonstrate that abuse is more common than suspected. I have forgiven him, I have NOT forgotten, we will never be friends, I do not trust him with my little girl, but I have also moved on. My invaluable lesson was that I could not remain trapped and fearful of his authorianism from young, and of anything else life has to throw me. And what about the bigger picture? I believe that in the soul’s evolution we’ve taken or are taking on different roles and relationships to learn. To make the game more interesting most of the time before we enter each new incarnation we undertake the contract not to consciously remember details of past lives but throughout we are working out lessons that we had failed or only partially succeeded in previously. Would you also believe that you chose your parents before you were born for the specific lessons to be learnt? Have a look at Edgar Cayce’s work on the Akashic Records or similar works if you haven’t already. Though, again, that is not the same as accepting and excusing the “wrongs” of others and continuing being a victim.
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2/13/2007 5:41 am |
And also Brian L Weiss' Many Lives, Many Masters. Good stuff.
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When one is basically abandoned in life, they only have one way to get the answers they seek. The answers must come from observations arround them, and within oneself. Steve, every existence has to observe outside and within himself. I, we value more real things, real feelings, realistic approaches than philosophy. And we adjust to the world based on our perspective from our observations. Mold, Where/what are you up to these days? Happy CNY!
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"Do not let the Poison of Jealousy ruin your days, your relationships, and your Life." You are so right about jealously....it isn't just ruining life but actually it will eat a person inside out. I am sure many of us been through similar situations and I sure hope we have it under control. No more to add beside thank you again for sharing your experiences with us. Ash
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2/14/2007 11:16 pm |
E_Moldavite, I salute you for your ability to recover, and to be open about it to others. For me, its not so much as all about my parents. A lot of my transformations occured after I was away from them. The thing is, Ive ran into MANY really bad people after my transformation. People who pretended to be my friends or Lover, and then betrayed me. Not only just betray, but then actually tried to destroy me. I learned that there are people out there with pretty smiles, and inside, are Ugly, soulless, and colder than Ice. They made my parents look like saints. Yeah.. Ive had all the luck  I believe that many people have good intentions.. But Ive learned painfully many times now.. that there are those who wont stop untill they have ruined you. There are worse out there too... which is even more scarry. I used to think that maybe we are here to learn and expand.. but then I realized that because we are mostly a product of our enviornments... that wouldnt be fair. How could we progress if we were to be reset back to a former state of under-development? Are we supposed to be rewarded so that we do not have to revisit such fates? Its hard to believe with all the random nature of the world... that it could be so. Im not one for belief in fate. Because if there are no real choices in life, then life would have little purpose at all. So maybe physical life is an adventure of purely random proportions. Its a game we choose to play, because life without form (the spirit world)... is boaring. Constraints are what give our lives substance and meaning. I used to be like you before. Very overly freindly and open, to anyone I met.. but after so many people take advantage of that... and then have designs on ruining every aspect of your life... you realize that you cant be so warm and welcoming to just anyone. Im glad you have never ran into the kinds of twisted souls that Ive ran into... but also fearful for you should it happen one day. While I know what can cause these souls to develop like this.. I can not stand by and let thier actions ruin my life and others lives. I will not let such people into my life anymore, and am very carfull now, in who I choose to be my friends.
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2/14/2007 11:23 pm |
AshleyB, Yes, I kinda meant that when I 'said ruin your life'. But really, you put it much clearer. Sometimes I have trouble expressing exactly what I really desire to say. Thanks for your addition And thanks for visiting Take Care, Steve
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2/18/2007 1:45 pm |
VirgoSerpent, A kiss with Poisen lips?! "But, that is actually true of all the people that did you wrong, the ones that betrayed you, or tried to distroy you." HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW!!! You dont know ANYTHING about what these people intentions were! You dont even know WHO ALL these people are! Ever ran into someone who pretends to be your best friend, then later, steals from you? Are kids that throw Ice balls at a 5yr olds head intending for him to be BETTER!!!!! How your first love? Ever have a partner who you think loves you, use you, then call you to tell you that they are breaking up with you... then the next day, show up at the place where you work clinging onto the new partner to TORTURE YOU TO TEARS! Or ever hear the words from a partner who you have decided to break up with say "If I cant have you, then nobody will!" Ohh, I can dish some horror stories that would shock many people... Trust me, Ive only just gotten Started! Ive had some very unfortunate luck. These people had NO intention of making me a better person! They only have thoughts and ideas of thier own personal mean spirited and selfish designs. There are people out there that are heartless, cold, mean, and will stop at nothing to take advantage of you, and or to do actual harm to you! And let me FURTHER say, that ANYONE who claims to be trying to HELP another by means of a baseball bat (threats, abuses..etc..) are TERRORIST. They are far from saints!!! This is exactly what the Talliban is all about! If you dont do things according to what THEY believe is good and pure, then they will beat, TORTURE and KILL YOU! This IS NOT GODLIKE! YOU ARE NOT GOD! YOU CAN NOT BE MY NOR ANYONE ELSES JUDGE!!! You are pathetic, and I, with all my faults, am ABOVE YOU! Also, Do you think you can Judge a person by thier actions when you have never walked a day in thier shoes?! Not having the Love and support, comfort and good upbringing? You have no clue! You are actually Weak, because youve had it EASY! If put under the same situatuons as the person you so judge harshly, you would be torn to pieces, and most likely wouldnt have survive the ride. Your ideas would quickly change for sure! We are all children. We ALL make mistakes. We learn on our own, and develop and change on our own terms and time. This is the way it has always been intended. If Anyone wants to Help a person, then they may surely speak thier opinions, offer help, kind and loveing words... But to use threats? No. That NEVER works. A person does not change out of fear and beatings. They only get worse that way. The thing that has the greatest power to change is pure love and time. When I say "YOU" Im directly speaking to those who DO judge, and those who Do use threats and punishments.. so do not take it personal. But Yes, your comments Have set me off. I do not take lightly to people telling me what MY life was All about... ESPECIALLY when they are INCORRECT. Its a huge SLAP in my face, as well as giving credit to people who didnt deserve it! Let me tell you something... I know my value. I know who I am. And I WONT take any more abuse from others PERIOD. And finally: "They did not pull me down" Is also incorrect. They did. I do not LIE to Myself. In means of financially, mentally, and more. But, I have managed to mostly recover from the falls. Maybe Im a bit worse for the wear, but I have at very least, survived... and grew as a person, on my own accord, under my own desires and efforts.
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2/18/2007 4:10 pm |
VirgoSerpent, After re-reading your reply several times, I realize that it may be interpreted in a different way. I appologize for my agressive responce. Sincerely, Steve
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2/18/2007 9:30 pm |
VirgoSerpent, Thanks. I feel a lot better for your reply. Sometime I have a hard time controlling my words when I feel that people have no heart, are too judgemnetal, attacking me or others. A highly agressive responce born from the many years I lived taking abuse without voice. As you can see, very passionate. heh Sometimes I regret not biting my tounge. I dont mind a 'little' sympathy  heh I also empathize with you too. Sorry to hear youve went thru it too.  I really do understand myself by now. I write, more or less, to spread my hard learned examples (and funny stories ) to those who may need them... and also, to show others where I came from, and who I am. So that maybe one day, I could finally be so lucky as to meet that special one to share my days with.Thank you for your kind comments and for reading my Blog. I caught Bronchitous (probably spelled wrong), on V-Day so havnt had much strength to write lately. Started taking anti-biotics friday, and have been feeling much better. To all: Happy Chinese New Years, (and happy belated vday )Sincerely, Steve
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2/19/2007 11:15 pm |
VirgoSerpent, "you must be boiling" Not really Ive also learned this too. That the hardships do make us stronger. Its just too bad that there isnt an easier way heh"The teacher will appear when the student is ready." In my case, I was force-fed lessons  hehBut to a degree, its true in that you can not comprehend the lessons untill you have reached a certain level of awareness and desire. Leos stuff sounds very solid. It is stuff that Ive learned too, as Remember, that my journey started at age 5... and Ive been working on myself for most all my life. Still, it never hurt to re-enforce, so I may take a look anyways. I once dated a girl who had a simular situation to you. Her father was always away on buisness. Her mother very demanding and strict... no affection. She believed Love equated to money and gifts... because thats what her father used, to make up for always being away. Both her parents 'controlled' her by threatening to take things away from her. She had no real ability to take care of herself... nor desire or drive to seperate from them by being independant. Everything they tried to put her into, she eneded up failing at cause she really didnt care. She knew she could always fall back on them... even tho it meant losing any control. I felt very bad for her about these things.. and I tried to help... but it never worked. In fact, she was bitter, cold, jealous, mean spirited and more. I took the abuse for too long, because: she was my first, I felt maybe that it the best I deserved, that maybe its better than being alone, and later because I thought I may be able to be a good example for her so she would change over time (which was the worst thing you can think). To hear that you came out of it very well, shows some real strength. I can surely admire that, and am so glad to hear that you have found the keys to unlock your happpiness too. I also find it very interesting that there are simularities between our experiences, even though we come from opposite worlds. It really goes to show, that the most important currency in this universe... is Love. Thanks again for your post
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2/21/2007 1:44 am |
My purposes and reasons for posting what I do have nothing to do with what you are refering to. Just as someone who documents thier life in a Bio, isnt using thier book as a calling card. The only pains I suffer are lonliness.. and a lack of trust. Reason why Im lonly? Mostly because I lack two big things needed to sustain a relationship: Money and Stability. For a Supposedly Rich woman to understand this, may be Impossible. Can you imagine working hard all month long, and dropping like over 1/3rd of it into a relationship while dating... then when the partner leaves you, or you have to leave them... you have lost everything. Now, fast forwards and do that a few more times, tho certainly not as bad as the first, because you couldnt afford to spend what you didnt have... and because you have to be 'cheap' and be more carefull. And finally, you were laid of from your job a couple of times for long durrations. You were lucky that a family member took you in (grama), so that you could save some Money to try to get back on your feet. However, its a long process.. and even at your best, it may still take many years work before you can afford to try to buy a house. Your not too bright.. and never finished school. Your brainpower is limited, and so going back to school is both financially impossible, and acedemically unsound. You realize, you just have to do your best with what you got... which is extreme luck.. which one day, might just run out... You surely desire company, but do you risk your LAST chance at the ability to buy a house for your own personal stability... or do you start to date again, risking what little Money you have left, on another failure... and the loss of you ever having a stable piece of life for yourself? Remember, you cant live with Gram forever, and you cant afford to even try to buy a house if you are paying high rent at an appartment... And once youve moved out, there is no turning back. And Nobody to fall back onto. And furthermore... even IF one could find that dream partner.. Do you think that person would accept your poor situation? How about if you lose your job again and cant find another so easily? The lack of Money is a big problem with one who does not have much of it.. Its limits cause extreme pressures and limitations on what one can do, and with what one has to be responsible for doing with. No, Money isnt everything.. and its not the binding ingreedient of love whatsoever. But sadly, its still a factor in life, and effects love. It affects the possible connections. It affects the attitdues of people who are in need... and who can barely survive. Ohh, spirtually, Ive attained a higher plain of happiness and internal calm. And really, Im not in great turmiol. But, you arnt going to find me grinning 24/7 either. Its a realistic attitude to real situations. Situations and pressures that you will never fully understand. And finally, Its highly doubtfull that I will find someone as a partner from AFF. Mostly because most here are from overseas... and there is no means financially (and responsibly) for me to bring them over, and I will not move because of risks, and used to this way of life here. And, because I could never trust someone from another country... as Ive already heard Tons of horror stories from so many people, both online, and locally. So why Am I here? Call it being hopefull. Like people who play the lottery. Maybe one day, somehow... everything will change. But for now, its just me, on my own.. telling little stories, for all to read if they so desire. The thing that I am, is a fighter. Ive had to fight from day one, till now. The story of my fight, is one that many can appreciate, and maybe benefit from... or at least, can get to view life from anothers perspective. Maybe it may also help others to realize who I am, and what Ive been through... to better understand me. It wont be all roses. But it will always be real. These people can take it or leave it. As the real person who would understand me, would always take it the right way, and wouldnt try to diagnose me.
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2/22/2007 1:27 am |
Maybe you need to read a book on how to give advice without being condesending? You give off that "I know everything, and Im better than you vibe" really well. Its one thing to suggest a book or two.. but quite another to tell a person what their deal is without even really knowing them. Is this the kind of "Love" your books teach? Is this the kind of so called love your parents gave to you? Your good intentions get lost by such harshness. It also causes negative feelings and reactions reflected back twords you for doing this. I know how to Love, maybe much better than you. And I know who deserves my Love. Your assumptions about me 'currently', are not correct. Let us leave this where it stands. Id rathter not have to keep blogging on this one post over and over, nor to have to resort to banning. I appreciate the concern and suggestions, just not the attitude that delivers it. Steve
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2/23/2007 12:02 am |
VirgoSerpent, I realized all that, else I may have really let loose on you heh. But thanks for posting. I accept your appology, and I surely forgive you. Thank you for your efforts, empathies, and concerns, Sincerely, Steve
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