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Dont answer when not asked This month, i learnt something new. Totally something different. I was told by my friend, "Ann, not everyone is always looking for advices or comments. Dont say a word when people dont ask". psst... Surprises...... this friend of mine is actually 24/7 soughting for my advices (INDIRECTLY most of the time). Still, i discovered something from that particular statement. It is so true when he said about "sought for advices". I found myself delivering speeches more than listening (i tried very hard to listen more) coz people love to question me for their problems. Questions can varies from health, beauty, management, public speeking, hairdressing, flower arrangements, behaviours, MBA..... (yeap, im not into topics such as politics, law, sports). Now i learnt a lesson. Dont give comment/advices UNLESS being asked. Not that i want to be selfish BUT i find people DONT appreciate advices. For me, advices and true comments are precious. Ann |
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11/24/2006 10:15 pm |
Toukki: Your friend may be right. Some people just want others to listen. They just want to be listened to. They just want to be understood. The art of life is to know when that is the case, and just play the role of being a good listener. Nik
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11/25/2006 5:42 am |
Very good. I agree with you. I often give some peices of my advice to others who don't want. Therefore, I prefer to listen more or ask questions. If I want to give advice, but I am not sure whether others want advice or not, I'd better ask them first. Please don't disturb a chicken before he hatches.
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11/25/2006 6:12 am |
Old Chinese story: A wealth man has a chimney next to the back yard. Next to the chimney was piled with dried wood. A friend advised the wealth man to move away the dry wood to a further distance, because it may catch fire easily. The wealthy man did not take the advice. One night, the back yard was on fire because of the chimney and the dry wood. Many people rush to help to put off the fire. They were all hurted and bruised. The wealthy man entertain them with big banquet as VIP for their help. The man who gave the advice gets nothing. This is the way most people takes advices.
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11/25/2006 7:54 am |
Good posting Toukki. When I go a friend to talk about a problem, unless I specifically ask for their advice ("What do you think I should do?"), I want them to listen to me. Just listen. Not interrupt. I have found that when I talk about a problem to someone that the process of my hearing what I am saying helps me to gain clarity of thought. And when someone comes to me to talk about a problem I want to actively listen to what they are saying me so that I understand what it is that they are saying to me. I have learned over the years that listening effectively is not easy. It actually takes work to listen to someone. To experience consciously what I am saying abut listening being hard work, sit down with a friend. Sit directly across from each other. Ask your friend to talk to you about something. Set a time of say 3 minutes. When they are talking you cannot say anything to them. Nothing. Not even murmur a "yes" or "ok". Just be quiet. Don't nod your in agreement or shake your head in disagreement. Just be still. Watch the thoughts in your mind. Most of us will start to think of something to say, of some advice to give....so we are not really listening. Try and focus on what your friend is saying. When I first went through this exercice I was amazed at how difficult it was to actually listen! After your friend finishes talking, you then talk to your friend and they listen. How do you feel after someone has actually listened to you quietly? I found it to be a very wonderful feeling as did the people I was doing this exercise with. To be listened to without judgement is truly a gift that is wonderful to give to anyone. I came across this poem about listening: Please Don't Say Anything, Just Listen Listen When I ask you to listen to me, And you start giving me advice, You have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me, And you begin to tell me why I Shouldn't feel that way, You are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me, And you feel you have to do Something to solve my problems, You have failed me, strange as that may seem. Listen All that I ask is that you listen, Not talk or do - just hear me. When you do something for me That I need to do for myself, You contribute to my fear And to my feelings of inadequacy. But, when you accept as a simple fact That I do what I feel, No matter how irrational, Then I can quit trying to convince you, And go about the business Of understanding what's behind my feelings. So please just listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, Wait a minute for your turn - and I'll listen to you. Anonymous
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Ann, If that's the case then you would be a certified counsellor for your friends... A side comment is but ok, for it gives a feedback for a topic...an open discussion or a heart to heart talk will be nice if there is sincerity in it! A piece of advice is helpful depending on the weight of the problem being tackled...
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Ann, Your friend's advice is not very positive. If under a situation that I deem my advice and comments would be of a little help, i would give without being asked, just to fulfill my own commitment to friends and the world.
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11/29/2006 3:33 am |
nikonIII Thanks for sharing to me about the "Art of Being a listener". oasispdc yeah. I started practicing the method u mentioned. It works. Im saying, "Do u want my advice or opinion about this?" Then u will see they are more ready for discussion. inexperienced54 That man must be a blind man. curious1948 Wonderful advice  I find it is extremely useful. Thank you for sharing. Im going to use those advices u gave me and apply to my friends.rejoicefrance Thats a very deep meaning Care to elaborate?SanFranciscoBoy Thank you SF for sharing another wonderful method to me and, to many friends in here Its so good to have varieties of solutions to a question.fedders yeap. I agree on that. LOL temporary advisor hahaha. heart to heart talk? Depends WHO. Swallowtsui Yeap. I think he is not being positive in himself but it can be double sided. Its worth knowing to be a good listener HOWEVER, it takes one to be firm to their beliefs. Yeap, im always very ready to give advices.
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12/8/2006 3:39 pm |
Thank you rejoice dear
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