| Blogs > caragh92 > Art of healthy & loving LTR |
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Love is Luxury Instead of surfing on Chinese FriendFinder last night, I was surfing in the music world and listened to many songs that were recommended by music lovers. Suddenly, I felt love is too luxury to obtain in our modern world. These love songs brought me back memories about falling in love and being in love naturally years ago. My past love experiences gave me great impact to affect my personalities in a positive way. Those unforgettable love experiences were love at first sight. We met, wanted to be together all the time, talked a lot, wrote a lot, but I knew those times I was in love and no fear to tell the person that I loved him. In reality now, I’ve found the nature love feeling is so hard to develop and to maintain. I liked the first guy who sent me an e-mail months ago when I just signed up on AFF. Gee, it was easy. After few our dates, he told me I should be passive to wait for his phone calls, and shouldn’t act “needy”. He disappeared even after our good “dates”, he called me again after a while. I was totally confused, and ended up reading a lot of books about relationships. It’s obvious, my story with this guy was long over, and both of us are still on AFF. With many boundaries and limitations in developing a new relationship, I wish him good luck. I have read a lot of books about relationships since I am in the pool of dating circle again, but I never thought about reading books about love years ago. In old times, when we loved someone, bingo, it was nature, and your lover just appreciated the way you were. My love and I wanted to find time to be together, we enjoyed our conversations ‒ over the phone or face to face or wrote many letters (no e-mail and internet was not popular to use), and we always wanted to stop the time. I didn't need to read any of those relationship books, just simply enjoyed the nature feelings of human beings. Are there not many people I can meet? With the AFF, you tell me whether we short of candidates. I believe you can find the person with all the qualities that you want with the internet. There is no problem for me to meet someone match my “cupid preference” right here in New York City. I dated few people over AFF. My most recent date is a very attractive man, and I liked him over the first date. I enjoyed our first few dates and try to be little close to him. Suddenly, this guy also set up boundaries with “I will call you”. It’s wise to slow down the process of falling in love, but the whole thing is just not nature as it should be. It’s not hard for me to fall in love again. With all the complications, we just can’t open our hearts and fall in love like we used to be. I’ve learned to be passive as a woman in the relationship; I captured some tips such as “catch 22” or “date like a man”; I consistently read books to search the answers for whys. Do you think is this the way we should be? I appreciate those songs I enjoyed last night. They brought me back those true feelings about love that I’ve forgotten how it should be. Love, is such a luxury feeling that we know it's here but is so hard to obtain and freely to express and enjoy the highest intimacy with another human being. Good Luck to all of you and thank you for reading my blog. 
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I think many of us in Chinese FriendFinder know these feelings of love from our past - and most want to re-live them. But they are no good if they cannot be shared and exchanged. There in lies the problem - most of us are alone and cannot share these feelings. This is such a waste. TG
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caragh, drowse your emptiness with those songs and in a matter of time, when you least expect it... you'll find yourself ready to be in love again... Good luck! Have a nice day!
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Caragh. Pls content your mind first and go dating with an easy, light manner. The difference is that in the past you made it in a natural approach, now you subconsciously bear yr objective w/u, you put yrself under unnatural circumstances already. By the way, the platform "AFF for love" itself is an unnatural thing. Open yr arm free yr mind first, then be friended w/ yr potentials. Others let it go naturallly. Good luck.
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3/6/2006 2:16 am |
It is nice to read the post and all the comments! I laughed when I read: "He knows he will HAVE TO propose to her, so where is his liberty? Where is her liberty?" Strongly open-minded Rinproche suggests women's being passive. I like being passive in the relationships, which leaves the space for me to be a woman, and for himn to be a man. This is rather oriental. "I love her, that's why I want to marry her." It is not totally right! Love goes first before marriage, but love is not the only stuff which should be taken into account concerning marriage. We should count in our life interest, personality, educational background, and ability to cope with relationships! We want marriage, but we don't hunger for marriage!
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3/6/2006 2:39 am |
Caragh, Don't need to marry you off in a hurry! Find some joys with your son, and enjoy your life without a partner. Wait until that man comes into your life. I prefer to wait. 缘分到了挡也挡不住；缘分没到急也急不来！This is what I answered to my friends or students when they asked me about my attitude toward my future life. Caragh, hope you can read this Chinese sentence in your computer. Good luck!  By the way, can I meet you in the future if there is a chance for me to pay a visit to the States?  Don't worry. I am totally straight. Cheers!
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3/6/2006 5:48 am |
Terrible! My Chinese characters do not work here. "If the fate is coming, your power cannot stop it; if the fate is waiting, your worry cannot invoke it." --- Translation of the above Chinese.
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This 'fate' thing seems pretty serious Sunflower? Is this a stronger belief in the far east? TG
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3/6/2006 3:40 pm |
Fate is not a good translation for the word: "缘分"！Once I asked one of my freign friends who know Chinese well to give a better translation of this "缘分", he told me there is such a match in English. I would like to separate it into two parts in English: "缘" meaning the opportunity of meeting or knowing somebody; "分" meaning the opportunity of sharing something with that special one. Take your soap-opera for example: you had that opportunity to know that woman, but you did not have oppornity to share with her all your life long. When we end a relationship, it means that we no longer have that opportunity of sharing, which is doomed out of our control. That is why I wait peacefully and patiently for my FATE. Wait for your fate!
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3/6/2006 3:42 pm |
Sorry, I am in a hurry, so some mistakes. "there is not such a match in English".
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3/6/2006 3:57 pm |
Something simple for everyone... Every season has its time. People are the same way. Timing is important, too, and everyone has their own idea how quickly progress should be made. A single friend asked my advice one day. She was confused why a new man she really liked refused to see her again after only 3 weeks of dating.... Simply put, she openly showed greater interest in him than he expected. His sense of timing did not match hers. Unfortunately, my lady-friend had a hard time understanding this because she was trying to will a committed relationship with a man not looking to get married. I avoided explaining this to her by making small excuses about not wanting to involve myself in her personal life too deeply....it is hard to be objectively critical with friends! She is a focused, intense woman of hard determination. Her family fled Vietnam in 1975 and struggled with a new land, customs, and more. At 40 years of age, she runs marathons and has a math degree while looking forward to pursuing her Master's degree. The new man she is seeing has a different personality & disposition...and hopefully, a sense of timing matching hers. So far, she is happy...and I'm glad.
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Sunflower, thank you for taking the time to explain. I do understand better now how 'fates' translates - but not perfectly. Again, thank you. And that 'relationship' you talk of is not doomed, it has just evolved into a friendship - that's how it started. The bit in the middle was probably just my mind 'wishing' instead of being logical. A good friend said I was just lonely - I now believe she was right. I have other interests now so this is not on my mind anymore. TG
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Carah, I agree very much of the title of this blog "Love is luxury" as you mentioned. It is just sad that nowadays love becomes so complicated. It also added some elemnets such as timing and opportunities that we have to try hard to make it going. I guess I can just wish that "缘" will knock on my door soon. Sunflower, thanks for the translation of "缘". When you put the opportunity to meet and share together..it actualy put the meaning into more dimensions than just fate! Ash
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