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Culture Shock The boy started the conversation with me first while I was walking on a treadmill in the gym. He was tall athletic black boy whose shirt was half wet. Resting himself on another treadmill, the boy asked where I came from. “China.” “China?” the boy’s eyes showed his fascination in what I said. “Yes, from China.” “What’s the difference?” “Difference of what?” “Difference of the two countries.” “Hard to say in one word.” “What impressed you most when you arrived here.” “Food. The size of the containers is much bigger than that in Asia.” “How about the food here? Do you like it?” “Frankly speaking, no. It is too greasy, which can make people gain weight.” “Can you cook?” “Why not? But only Chinese food.” “Could you cook some Chinese food for me?” “Yes, if you like it.” My answer came out of my mouth so smoothly, for it was an answer for a in my eyes. We talked away twenty minutes about something else in China and then he left that treadmill. It happened that he packed all his stuff for backward tour to the dorm when I went by him. We headed together for the residential area. On the way, he asked me if I should mind inviting him to come over to my apartment. How can I say no to a boy who is only 18 years old? I asked about his age while the conversation was carried on. “Would you mind my coming back later?” passing by my apartment, the boy asked. “Why?” “For putting down my basketball.” “No problem.” The boy came back with a white a clean shirt on, a typical American boy dress, a baggy shirt and baggy shorts. He took his seat on the sofa looking a bit shy. We carried on our conversation about China and America. “Now you live in America, you should experience American life.” “I’m.” “No, until you sit by my side.” I was paralyzed when I heard what the boy said and I could not believe my ears, even I could not believe what was happening at that moment. “Hey, boy, I’m old enough to be your Mom. How could you say that I come and sit by your side?” “I’m not a boy, I am a man. Would you stand up?” My heart was beating faster, for I really had no idea what the boy was going to do. I stood up, for I tried to be calm and polite to him still. “See I’m taller than you are, so I’m a man, not a boy.” “Ok.” I sat down feeling a bit relaxed. “I like elder mature women.” The boy kept on his conversation. “I’m old enough to be your mom.” I repeated what I had said moments ago. “How old are you?” “Forty years old.” “But you look like you are in your late twenties.” The boy showed his expression of surprise. “Are you kidding?” I know that I am looking younger, but I have never expected that young. “No, I’m serious.” “You Chinese women never like young men?” “We Chinese women only like those who can be our love.” “Well…” the boy was trying to say something, but I stopped him politely. “Hey boy, thanks for your come, but I have some work to do for tomorrow’s class.” I tried to be polite. “Driving me away.” “No, I’m not, but I do have work to do.” “Well, I don’t mean to be rude. I do apologize for what I’ve done.” “I didn’t say that you are rude.” I am still smiling to him, but in a less comfortable way. He stood up and headed for the doorway. “Could you still cook Chinese food for me?” “Yes.” My answer slipped out of my mouth without thinking, for I did not want to be mean. “I do apologize, but you did attract me.” The boy left and I kept this story for such a long time until one day I suppose I should share it with one of my friends. Time passes like water flowing through your fingers that everything is left behind without any traces until one day it is brought up by something else. Last Sunday, I went to bed as usual around 11 o’clock. Deep in sleep, I heard a gentle knock on the door, for I was not a deep sleeper. Giving a quick look at the time, 3:20 am, I was startled. I sensed that something unhappy would happen, but I did not know what it was. I inched toward the door in the dark. Moving the curtain aside, I found a boy who was standing by my door waiting for me to open the door, totally drunk. He was a nice boy, for every time he passes by me, he will smile and say hello to me, and sometimes he even stops for a bit longer conversation. Once he invited me to sit with his friend while dining in cafeteria and told me that I could always stay with them lest that I always eat alone. How could I refuse a boy’s kindness? He kept knocking at the door and kept say that he was my friend. Fears started swelling within my body, but I knew that I should be calm. He tried his key on my door. My legs started trembling, but I tried to stand there still and talked to the boy. “Would you please go! I still need to work tomorrow.” The voice was almost in a tone of crying. “Oh, you need work, but I am your friend.” He was till there, hard to stand straight. I could not wait for the boy to leave him, for he was intoxicated. I turned on the light trying to looking for the telephone number of the campus police. I knew there was one. While searching for the phone number, my hands were trembling and my eyes could not focus on things correctly. I dialed a number which I thought it should be the number of the campus police, but it was not; it was a telephone number of my college’s office. Thanks God, I did not dial his home number. How came that I could not find that telephone number? Suddenly I thought that I could turn to one of my friends, but to my disappointment, he was sound asleep. I turned off the light and found that the boy was still there kept knocking at the door. I hated my fears and I told myself that I should not be so frightened. I collected those cards spread on the floor and tried to read them again. I got the correct one. It was the third time that I dialed the correct number. “My room number is 0000. There is a boy knocking at my door and refuse to leave. Would you come over and persuade him to leave here?” I started crying while I asking the campus police for help. “Ok, I am coming.” Turning off the light, I gave a look at the boy outside. He was still there and kept knocking at the door. Not far away, I saw the light of police car flashing; the campus police started the engine of the car. The boy who was intoxicated heard the engine and saw the light of the police car left. I headed back to my bed with trembling knees and sweaty hands. Half awake, half sleepy, it was time for me to be up for work. It was the day that my boss would observe my class for semester evaluation. I struggled my way to the office and hid all my fears that I had on previous night, exchanging “fine” or “good” with my colleagues or students. I know I look younger than my real age, but I have never supposed that I could be young enough to attract boys around twenties. Culture shock or not, I was frightened and scared by the two stories, and I had never thought that the boys in the stories were this aggressive. 
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11/8/2006 11:20 pm |
I'm truly sorry for your frightening experience. Some people simply can't read non-verbal language. Why were you excusing them with polite words like "friend" and "I've got work tomorrow" which at other times can be taken as a soft 'No' or ambiguous excuse? To people like these it is still a slight crack of an open door invitation even if you say it behind a closed door with a quaking voice and tell them to go away. After two warnings, you can't beat around the bush any more: "For the last time F*CK OFF, or I'm calling the police for attempted !"
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11/9/2006 1:39 pm |
Mold, In my culture, boys seldome turn to elder women for anything. They prefer girls who are younger than them. How about your culture? Sunflower
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11/9/2006 1:43 pm |
In short...For alot of people, they cannot read the signs. You can be nice (not flirting) but it depends on who you are talking to. Typically for males in their 20s, they need to be told directly so they underdstand the situation. As hard as their head, they are dumb as a door knob. IN conclusion, be nice to your close friends and be flirty to your partner. Thanks for your suggestion! I will stop being nice to the students on the campus... But how possible? I will still be what I am. Good luck!
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11/9/2006 1:56 pm |
I'm sorry for your grief Miss Sunflower as you are a genuine lady who speaks from the heart. Respectfully, Stan a student of life 
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11/9/2006 6:57 pm |
Sunflower, with due respect, I would NOT put those 2 incidents you had as any sort of romantic inclination towards older women. They saw you as a kind, exotic looking and vulnerable woman on her own to be taken advantage of. I’m sure you look younger than your age, but in those 2 cases age figured much less to insignificance than the other factors. I don’t know what my culture is but categorically speaking in terms of s.ex only, it is considered something of a rite of passage for young men now to want to have an older - therefore by default ‘more experienced’ - woman to ‘teach’ them. Even in Singapore where I now live. For serious relationships however most still prefer to have women their own age. In the West because of several high profile celebrity cases where the woman is older the public attitudes may seem to be changing somewhat though it still MUCH less common than much older men with younger women. In the US older women considered an easy sure lay are known as “cougars”. If you would like to talk about “May-December” relationships you would best put it in another post as I see them as completely unrelated to this topic about attempted assault and a serious crime.
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11/9/2006 9:29 pm |
I'm sorry for your grief Miss Sunflower as you are a genuine lady who speaks from the heart. Respectfully, Stan Thanks so much for your concernes and your compliments! I am much better now. Sincerely, Sunflower
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11/9/2006 9:42 pm |
Sunflower, with due respect, I would NOT put those 2 incidents you had as any sort of romantic inclination towards older women. They saw you as a kind, exotic looking and vulnerable woman on her own to be taken advantage of. I’m sure you look younger than your age, but in those 2 cases age figured much less to insignificance than the other factors. I don’t know what my culture is but categorically speaking in terms of s.ex only, it is considered something of a rite of passage for young men now to want to have an older - therefore by default ‘more experienced’ - woman to ‘teach’ them. Even in Singapore where I now live. For serious relationships however most still prefer to have women their own age. In the West because of several high profile celebrity cases where the woman is older the public attitudes may seem to be changing somewhat though it still MUCH less common than much older men with younger women. In the US older women considered an easy sure lay are known as “cougars”. If you would like to talk about “May-December” relationships you would best put it in another post as I see them as completely unrelated to this topic about attempted assault and a serious crime. Frankly speaking, I was really frightened, but I don't want to make a fuss about it. If it were not my boss who insisted on reporting it to the campus police, I wouldn't have reported the incident formally. But I refused to mention the student's name. I am thinking that a boy around twenties can do things on impulse or make mistakes. I think I am old enough to give them opportunities to know what is right and what is wrong, for anyway I was not hurt. I wrote this story because I am trying to learn write stories instead of poetry. Also, writing helps me feel better. Sunflower
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11/11/2006 6:13 pm |
Gourmet, One of my teachers told me, ten years ago, a 25-year-old boy wanted to be her boyfriend when she was 39 years old, for he did not know how old she was.  How do you know I bought a couple of diamond rings for myself? But... There was a period of time that I love jewelry very much. 
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11/12/2006 3:40 am |
Sunflower, I don’t know if it is the cultural gap or language barrier because the way you’re coming across is quite disturbing. Indulge me a little if you can: Can you imagine how this blog and your contradictory comments and ‘jokes’ might be offensive to other women who have suffered attacks? Mixing two wholly unrelated subjects confirms that at least some must be justified because women like you do send mixed signals saying ‘NO’ when they mean ‘yes’ or ‘maybe’. There is no great accomplishment in having a younger man. I’m in my late 30s myself and have to swat off men in their early 20s like kamikaze flies throwing themselves at me. I have even sampled some myself in mutually consensual situations - the youngest was 20 last year. Either get over yourself or get laid by a younger/black man. And spare the rest of us of what is coming across more clearly now as a strangely guilty self mast.rbatory fantasy about younger/black men disguised only because you couldn’t handle yourself like a firm sensible adult in those two situations.
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11/12/2006 9:25 am |
Mold, Different people behave differently in front of problems, which reflect their personalities. I don't want to offend you or any women who have suffered from physical attacks from men, but I don't think it helps they live in the shadows, for life is only a short journey in this world. If you practice Taiji, you will understand the essence of Chinese Culture. The hard and strong will fall. The soft and weak will overcome. -- Tao Te Ching (76) Tranquility and kindness are the most important things in the journey of my soul. Mind should be big, as the world is big. Good luck! Sunflower
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11/12/2006 5:54 pm |
Good grief, Sunflower, your pretentiousness knows no bounds. Let me first concede that obviously I wasn’t precise enough for you. I have not had the misfortune of suffering an attack to your extent but simply, as a woman, I find you mixing two different topics offensive. You only show your own prejudices by making many arrogant presumptions about another person. May I suggest you take some of your own advice: “Mind should be big as world is big”, yes? I do not practice taiji but qigong, and energy healing similar to qigong healing as a profession. To quote your source from the Dao Dejing… I’m not sure if this will show up as I do not have Chinese software but here it is in both Chinese and English: 天下皆知美之爲美。斯惡已。皆知善之爲善。斯不善已。 Beauty is universally recognised Ugliness lies only within self Good is universally recognised Evil lies only within self I have been in situations similar to yours as a young teacher in the 1990s in inner city London with persistent adult students my own age or older. Luckily, those concerned did not know where I lived. I was NOT attracted, did not ogle at how built or athletic they were, nor was I flattered by their attention in those cases. I’m sorry to say, however, your own stance does not appear even that clear at all with those two black students. Whatever your se.xual preferences or none is no one’s business but if you’re going to make light of the subject of by turning the very same blog into what is really unfulfilled fantasies about younger men I’m going to make it my business. This is beyond tasteless. You are excusing yourself and hiding behind the avowed wisdom of Chinese civilisation for merely mishandling a risky situation that would be taken as an attempted assault almost anywhere in the world, except in places where women are treated as less than men. Surely you don’t mean your great nation China is a place like that…?
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11/12/2006 6:32 pm |
EG, as a lawyer I would have hoped you can make a clear separation between the two things here. I don’t care if the teacher-student thing is inappropriate as deemed by society, the authorities, morally, whatever. If both people are above the age of consent and it is mutually consensual, go for it. Or if it’s just a thing for younger/black men and she decides a student isn’t worth risking your career for, do it outside school. Just spare us the self righteousness and pretence that it’s something else. Two couples, where the pairings are teacher and student in both cases. They have s.ex. One case becomes a harrassment or assault case because the difference was that one person did not consent. I seriously don’t know that Sunflower can separate the two. Nor can she admit what actually is holding her back about the younger men she keeps coyly talking about.
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11/12/2006 6:48 pm |
Gourmet, Thanks! I know what I want and no one can corrupt me, but it is for sure that Mold's post caused some discomfort. Bonne Chance! Sunflower
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11/12/2006 7:04 pm |
Good grief, Sunflower, your pretentiousness knows no bounds. Let me first concede that obviously I wasn’t precise enough for you. I have not had the misfortune of suffering an attack to your extent but simply, as a woman, I find you mixing two different topics offensive. You only show your own prejudices by making many arrogant presumptions about another person. May I suggest you take some of your own advice: “Mind should be big as world is big”, yes? I do not practice taiqi but qigong, and energy healing similar to qigong healing as a profession. To quote your source from the Dao Dejing… I’m not sure if this will show up as I do not have Chinese software but here it is in both Chinese and English: 天下皆知美之爲美。斯惡已。皆知善之爲善。斯不善已。 Beauty is universally recognised Ugliness lies only within self Good is universally recognised Evil lies only within self I have been in situations similar to yours as a young teacher in the 1990s in inner city London with persistent adult students my own age or older. Luckily, those concerned did not know where I lived. I was NOT attracted, did not ogle at how built or athletic they were, nor was I flattered by their attention in those cases. I'm happy to say I managed to be friends with them afterwards when I had made myself clear their romantic or se.xual interest was not returned. I’m sorry to say, however, your own stance does not appear even that clear at all with those two black students. Whatever your se.xual preferences or none is no one’s business but if you’re going to make light of the subject of by turning the very same blog into what is really unfulfilled fantasies about younger men I will make it my business. This is beyond tasteless. You are excusing yourself and hiding behind the avowed wisdom of Chinese civilisation for merely mishandling a risky situation that would be taken as an attempted assault almost anywhere in the world, except in places where women are treated as less than men. Surely you don’t mean your great nation China is a place like that…? Mold: I won't take much time to read your post carefully, for I don't have that much time, but I have a couple of points to make. If you stopped by my blog to show your sympathy to my unhappy story several days ago, you are welcome, for I know people prefer to sympathize the weak. If you want me to acknowledge that you are more intelligent than I am, I would be happy to help you get your satisfaction here, but you should know people are intelligent in their own different ways. If my refusal to say that you are right in all the points you made is a kind of hurt for you, I apologize, but you should know all the men or women have their own heads on. Taiji is not Qigong and I hope you can check it out. You can not expect all the people in the world behave according to your standard. You have your ways of dealing with problems and I have my ways of dealing with problems. I hope you know how to respect individualism. Have a nice and tranquil day! Sunflower
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11/13/2006 4:37 am |
Sunflower, Contrary to what you’d like to think, I was not sympathising but empathising. I pointed this out respectfully in the beginning but you insisted on making light and joking about another topic altogether, underlining the reason why men are confused about women. Can we blame them? I don’t. I did not disparage the way you handled the two students in the beginning - until you brought up something else. I did not use the words that you were less or more “intelligent” or “weaker” than me. You are only sounding out your own insecurities. Do only people who practice taiji have the monopoly on common sense and ideas about peace in the world? Yet this is what you seem to be suggesting. Obviously you must be intelligent to be a college professor. Laughing here does not mean you’re any more peaceful than others. How is making light of a serious subject about assault actually promoting peace? Clinging on to behaviour you are comfortable with in China when you’re in America is just asking for the same kind of trouble you claim to have “frightened” you. For your sake and physical safety, I’m not suggesting you cultivate paranoia or suspicion of everyone, just a different sensibility and language that is clearly understood by the listener (not something that pleases your own moral superiority) the next time you find yourself in the same emergency situation. You may not be so lucky next time to be able to lock yourself up and stand behind a door telling them you’ve got work in the morning. elmo0908, you don’t have to explain or apologise for men for being unable to control their impulses. That’s why the law exists for people who can’t, male AND female. I don’t mind being thought “obnoxious” by anyone or perpetual victims who can’t or don’t want to make a clear distinction between what is or is not appropriate context or behaviour. Cheers.
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11/13/2006 2:27 pm |
Elmo, Your arguments sound rational and reasonable for me, but it is not that you stand on my side; I am not that narrow-minded. Have a nice day! Sunflower
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11/13/2006 2:45 pm |
Mold, No need to turn my life into a misery just because of an unhappy story. Others can jump upon me and mess up my life, but I won't mess up my life myself. When a story came to an end, all the emotions like fear or anger would disappear with the time passing by and calmness and tranquility will come back. Cheers! Sunflower
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U too innocent. (I hate it when I saw you as frightened as that much.) These kind of stories happen anywhere, in China or abroad, in the street or indoors, only that the way of expression is different. Give them direct feedback & order; and those innocent boys would disappear soon. Dont tremble and be cool.
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11/16/2006 6:36 pm |
Swallow, You are much stronger than I am. Sayu, Thanks! Fleur
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12/4/2006 8:45 pm |
Hi Eclectic, I see you have encountered censoring on a very weak basis as I have in another post. i believe that Fleur realizes the stupidity of her responses in that encounter.
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12/4/2006 8:56 pm |
i think that the consensus here is that one, there is a lot of censoring going on by Sunflower, second that most have recognised that the original post appeared because Sunflower appreciated the interest in her by that young black boy. so don't get all fluttery Sunflower. If you felt enlargened by a young man's interest in you, at least admit it. But don't downplay the damage a young man like that can inflict on other innocent victims, because he will, there is a pattern there. YOU SHOULD HAVR REPORTED HIM FOR THE SAKE OF OTHER WOMEN!
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