Weekend joke - Grins and Snickers
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Posted:Sep 11, 2015 7:08 pm
Last Updated:Sep 11, 2015 7:23 pm 106475 Views
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I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied,
Take the poison.
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Do NOT use "market price", use "limited price"
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Posted:Sep 7, 2015 4:30 am
Last Updated:Sep 8, 2015 6:31 pm 105192 Views
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If you were in stock market, you saw the panic sell-off on Monday, August 24, 2015. At opening about 5 minutes, Dow Jones plunged near 1,100 points and all 3 indexes were down 8.8%. The market already down 4 consecutive days in the previous week and Chinese market also sharply dropped. USA investors were so fearful and started to panic sell-off, stampeded. I jumped in to buy a bio-tech stock and sold that stock within an hour. Dow Jones from down near 1,100 points pull up to only down 200+ points in 2 hours, then closed down 588.47 points.
The reason I post this blog is to remind stock investors "DO NOT USE MARKET PRICE TO BUY OR SELL", "ALWAYS USE LIMITED PRICE". GE was sold at $19.37, but nobody bought under $22. HD (Home Depot) was sold at $92.17 but nobody bought under $107. JPM was sold at $50.07 but didn't buy under $57. In the normal time, Ask price (to buy) is $0.01 more than Bid price (to sell). If a stock is more than $500, the difference between Ask and Bid is about $0.05 - $0.10. However, if you put "market price" order, the market maker will give you the worst price (lowest) to sell or highest price to buy at that moment. I always use limited price to buy or sell. I decide what price I want to buy or sell. Please refer to the charts.
The USA stock market has been 4 years without a meaningful 10% correction, so this time it came very sharply plummet. The "buy and holders" get used to bull market for too long and they forgot to sell stocks before the plunge.
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Weekend joke - Various MD's experiences
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Posted:Aug 28, 2015 10:55 pm
Last Updated:Sep 5, 2015 12:32 pm 107231 Views
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1. A man comes into the ER and yells....”My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.”
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
“Which one?”, I asked.
“The patch”, the patient replied. “The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!”
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?”
After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.”
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, “ So how's your breakfast this morning?”
“It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,” Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly, and Bob produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.”
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, “Sorry... had to mow the lawn.”
Submitted by RN no name,
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, “No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'”
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.
9. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
“Breast-fed,” she replied...
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.”
Dr. remains anonymous.
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Entering the 6th decade of my life
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Posted:Aug 23, 2015 5:01 am
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2015 6:10 pm 114010 Views
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Reluctantly, involuntarily I enter my 60th birthday. It sucks to be older. Some physical conditions are going down.
1. Hair - Salt and pepper. The salt is beating pepper everyday. Every 3 - 4 weeks need to "touch up" dye my hair or the roots will show.
2. Eyes - Astigmatism and "Flying mosquito disease" (flakes in eyes). I went to see optometrist doctor, but been told nothing he can do for me.
3. Shoulder - I feel a little pain on my left shoulder. I went to see rheumatic doctor and taking some medicine which might cause "stomach ulcer". My mother had arthritis, so I have to watch my joint pain.
4. Hypertension - a little bit high. Taking medication to control.
5. Weight gain - metabolism slow down. I am going to see a nutritionist.
From blood test results show I don't have diabetes or cholesterol too high.
I have retired from pharmacist job since July 2009 in order to take care of my mom. She passed away in 2013. I am doing stock trading full time. I did very well last year. Recently the stock market plunged so my portfolio also went down. I will survive.
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Weekend joke - The Sheer Nightgown.........
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Posted:Aug 21, 2015 9:34 pm
Last Updated:Aug 25, 2015 8:59 am 102751 Views
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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to
purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $25 to $500 in price ----
the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item,
pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,
put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ),
I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief!
You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
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Weekend joke - Different jokes in different states
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Posted:Aug 15, 2015 10:52 pm
Last Updated:Aug 16, 2015 10:59 am 104419 Views
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Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither ."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'bout the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
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Weekend joke - The reason for speeding
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Posted:Aug 14, 2015 7:04 pm
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2015 10:46 pm 108943 Views
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A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go.."
The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
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Weekend joke - Never end a sentence with a preposition
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Posted:Jul 31, 2015 9:45 am
Last Updated:Aug 11, 2015 5:49 pm 113088 Views
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An elderly gentleman was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man
living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure
for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and
saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a
grip on his shoulder, warned This is a powerful medicine. You take
only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.' When you do, you will
become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can
perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and
asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must
say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work
again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in
the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began
throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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Weekend joke - Laugh out loud
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Posted:Jul 24, 2015 2:22 pm
Last Updated:Mar 27, 2024 12:29 pm 110109 Views
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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
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Changed my user's name
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Posted:Jul 21, 2015 12:52 pm
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2015 4:12 pm 109343 Views
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I have changed my user's name because a crazy guy from Berlin, Germany who emailed me 10 times using 9 different user's names. Every time he emailed, I reported and he got deactivated. Then he changed another user's name and emailed me. Finally, the woman who answered my call told me to change my user's name on Chinese FriendFinder and Senior FF, so that I won't be in his mailing list. I told the woman that I am NOT a paid member so I couldn't change my user's name. She, then, changed my user's name for free for this time only.
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