(Fred )
23 posts
2/25/2016 8:28 pm
Not Sure How To Respond To This...

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woaini1947 60M
3973 posts
2/26/2016 1:01 pm

Ok. I will give you the worst case scenario and you decide after reading all the opinions listed here, what you need to do. If she intends to stay in a hotel and not room with you, believe that she has a few options available to her or is attempting to... She has no plans now. She is weighing her options. Assume that she is talking to a few men besides yourself. Each one is getting the same offer you are. If you like the ride will you buy the car? Sounds bad I know but if you look at the situation at its worst and still go for it, at least you did your homework. Also, how old is her daughter? Sometimes these ladies are not only looking for a mate for themselves but also an education for their child. You two only do holiday corresponding and comunicate a few times a year. You are being cordial and at the very most the relationship is very lightweight. She is contemplating coming to the U.S. and banking on the fact that you are lonely and will at least temporarily, solve all of her current and pending problems. Neither one of you are in love with each other. She did not say that "It would be nice for us to go out to dinner or for a walk in the park." She is taking a tourist visa and turning it into permanent residency and citizenship. Also, how old is this lady? I am in the same age group as you are. I have had marriage proposals from ladies in their forties who already have a legal right to be here and they are just simply looking for a mature man and most likely; stability. If they wanted to date a younger man they could easily do so. There are millions of them in Southern California. On the other hand, email correspondence turning into, "if we like each other let's get married" - that's a gold-digger pure and simple. She wants citizenship, stability for her and her daughter, or both. Since you already have reservations about meeting her and you know her intentions, there is no real reason to meet her. Just tell her that you are dating someone right now and you don't want any hurt feelings. If the lady writing to you believes you are currently involved, you will never see her; guaranteed. You are merchandise that is displayed in the window and she's not window shopping; she's buying. Her intentions whether selfish or otherwise; it doesn't work for you and you are going to be put in a very uncomfortable situation if you meet her. I guarantee that she will find you suitable and you will have to tell her otherwise because her approach to you will be quite obvious. If you weren't sensitive you would not be looking for advice and worrying about hurt feelings. The woman may also be desperate as you have mentioned and for her, comfort equates to love. Just go fishing and forget about her. If you are non-committal, unless she has a few other "irons in the fire," she's not coming anyway. After all, her daughter has to be either going to school or working. If a future in the U.S. were not that important, vacation would have to be scheduled around work or school not "when it's warm." Her goal is to reside here and she will pull out all stops to make sure you find her suitable.

beyondfantasy3 112M
4740 posts
2/26/2016 4:07 pm

today, men are not as "desperate as they use to be". Men today, have found means to be 'self appreciating", without having to be validated by a woman. Therefore, TODAY, men are more stable and able to make choices rather than being simply chosen as a pathway to some end.

No romp in the bed is going to be a world wind turn around and blow the mind situations; therefore, man or woman, should not rely on "sex" to be a catch all, direct all type of thing.

I would not care if she had "24 kt gold hairs surrounding it', The Matter of Relations and Relationship still becomes about the Person. !!!!! as an Individual, who must be a sincere and matured individual who has the capability and ability to build a mutual contributory and sharing relationship, through honesty of person, motive and intentions.

I would not travel 8000 miles without having means to house and feed myself,(Hotel and Money) within my plan, before I hinge it on living with someone else. If I can do that, then if someone makes such an offer of temporary 'vacation" staying, that might be something to be considered, depending on the understanding.

However you respond, be honest and take your time preparing your response.

Beautifulkayra2 52F
823 posts
2/28/2016 1:09 am

If you do not intend to marry her, tell her the truth.
She may cancel her trip if she knows the fact.

Based on her question, It clears that the woman hope you would marry her.
She thought communicating with you all these time is a good indication that you like her.

Some people can have very good friendships relationships and exchange email for years. But for those who don't do that, you need to be clear.

Sharing life with someone, you need to know the person better. Not only exchanging jokes, or emails once a while.

About the visit, you also need to know if she expects to stay free at your house or pay her own room and meet you while she is there.
Everything associated with costs is relative.
For some people a certain amount can mean a lot, while it mean nothing for others.

Tell her what you can do for her and let her decide what she wants to do.

Beautifulkayra2 52F
823 posts
2/29/2016 8:44 am

Being a nice and good person sometimes put us in quite difficult position.
I know how it feels, because I experienced it too.
Especially when we try not to hurt people with our words.

I don't see anything wrong with it.
As long as you don't promise her anything you won't / can't do.
Just be honest, and tell her the facts.
That marriage is not an option.
That you will not marry her, even though you meet during her trip there.
And how she respond, is her decision.

Good luck.

woaini1947 60M
3973 posts
2/29/2016 9:55 am

    Quoting papaya1972:
    I feel she is kind of desperate, but why at age of 55?
    though the age gap of you two is fine in my view.

    The situation for a woman at age of 55 actually should be quite well:
    -she has her own monthly pension already, which means she does not need to work to live with the basics
    -her daughter must be a grown up already and can support herself or soon.

    If it is a just a trip to USA and visiting you as a friend, I totally understood. But why a marriage?
Even though it appears she should be secure, evidently she is unhappy with her current living conditions. We have to read carefully what Zayphod143 is saying here. He states that 3 or 4 years ago he made it quite clear that he is only seeking pen-pals so for the last 3 to 4 years there have been mostly just holiday courtesy greetings between them. Now, out of the blue she states: "When we meet, you like me and I like you do you like to become my husband (or just be friends)?" Yes, there is something wrong with that statement. The lady is obviously very dissatisfied with her life; period! She is a mature woman in age but immature in personality. She turns four years of holiday greetings into a potential foundation for marriage? A vacation meeting is supposed to lead to a possible marriage proposal? Yes, stranger things have happened and we have read "fairy tale come true" stories here but we all know those are the exceptions, not the rule. I have talked to persons on these blogs for the same length of time and had many more personal discussions. Many have shared their stories with all of us: failed marriages and relationships, military service, financial issues and medical problems. I cannot picture me contacting one of the ladies here and telling them I will be in their locale and if we decide during my vacation that we like each other, would you like to be my wife or do we remain just friends? We are all acquaintances here and there are some I have met and consider my friends but in the true sense of the word, are Zayphod143 and this lady truly friends? Three or four years of holiday greetings does not make for even a good friendship much less a predecessor to marriage. When someone is clear about the fact that they only want to be pen-pals you move on... You write to each other and save the intimate conversations for someone who is open to the idea of a meaningful relationship. If I were her I would be thinking that the man made it quite clear what it is that he wants. He is renting one room in the back of a friend's home so obviously if he were thinking of courting a lady he would have set up his lifestyle to do so. There should not be any hurt feelings here because 3 to 4 years of holiday greetings should not have her involved any more than a casual pen-pal. If it is more than that, that only confirms my thought that she is desperate and immature.