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How to Negotiate With Friends, Lovers and Partners How to Negotiate With Friends, Lovers and Partners By larrybarkan, How to Negotiate With Friends, Lovers and Partners User-Submitted Article If you are resentful, hurt or upset in an intimate relationship, it's almost always because you feel as though you're giving more than you're getting. It's time to ask for what you want to reestablish parity and improve the relationship. In other words, it's time to negotiate. Difficulty: Moderately Easy Instructions 1. 1 Clearly ask for what you want. If you're not getting what you want or need in a relationship, it may be because you haven't clearly asked for it. You may think you've been clear, but if the person you're in a relationship with says something like, "I didn't know," then you really haven't been clear. To be clear, ask for what you want using as few words as possible. The fewer the words, the clearer will be your communication. For example: "I want you to turn away from your computer and listen to me." "I want you to pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper." "I want you to help me clean the house." "I want you to go with me to my sister's this weekend." 2. 2 Respond appropriately to "yes," "no" or "maybe." These are the three possible responses to any request. Let's take them in turn: If you hear "yes," thank the person. You may think, "Well, it's about time," but resist this impulse to gloat. Be genuinely grateful that the person has agreed to your request. "No" or "maybe" actually signal the start of a negotiation. How firm is the "no?" If it's a nonnegotiable "no," then don't push. This will only harm the relationship. Fortunately, nonnegotiable "nos" are rare. More often, people blurt out "no" to see if you'll leave them alone. In response to "no" or "maybe," ask "why?" Every complaint contains the seed of an unmet need. People want to have harmonious relationships. If they are resisting a request, it's usually because your request conflicts with their wants and needs. For example, "I want you to listen to me" may be resisted if the person wants to complete something before giving you his or her full attention. Or, "I want you go to with me to my sister's this weekend" may be resisted if the person wants to watch a program on television instead. 3. 3 Negotiate an agreement based on "quid pro quo" "Quid pro quo" simply means, "this for that." All negotiations, from how many nuclear warheads countries should be allowed to maintain to who will cook dinner tonight are based on this. All parties to the negotiation must feel that, if they give something, they will get something of equal value. In a negotiation for goods or services, the "quid pro quo" is clear: Usually, money changes hands in exchange for the goods and services. When the issue is less tangible as, for example, who will pick up the from school, you may pick up the (the "quid") simply because this will signal how important the relationship is to you (the "quo"). Or, you may pick up the from school on Mondays and Wednesdays in exchange for the other person picking them up on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Perhaps you agree to also do so on Fridays in exchange for the other person cooking and washing the dinner dishes on Friday nights. In the situations noted in Step 2, the other person may agree to listen to you in exchange for you leaving him/her alone for half an hour to complete work on the computer. Or, he/she will agree to go to your sister's, if you can find a way to ensure he/she can view the desired TV program (Tivo anyone? Or, perhaps, you can guarantee he/she will be able to see the program at your sister's house). The point is that there must always be a feeling of parity in the exchange. As noted earlier, resentments in any relationship are almost always the result of more giving than getting. Negotiation is a means to not only get what you want and need, but to improve the relationship as well while doing so. |
