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Oprah Winfrey Goes to GITMO Charged with treason, accessory to mass murder, conspiracy to influence an election outcome, aiding and abetting the enemy, and other high crimes and misdemeanors, talk show host Oprah Winfrey has been an inmate at Guantanamo Bay since early December, a source at GITMO told Real Raw News. According to an arrest brief reviewed by RRN, U.S. Navy JAG investigators on December 3 apprehended the obese creature while she was in Los Angeles to visit a friend, television personality Gayle King, a broadcast journalist for CBS News. Investigators intercepted a limousine holding Winfrey and her chauffeur near The Getty, an American & European art museum off Interstate 405 in northwest LA, and forcibly removed them from the vehicle. The chauffeur had locked the doors and sealed the windows. Winfrey was on her cellphone, screaming frantically into the mic, “Help me! Please help me! You said this wouldn’t happen.” With batons the investigators shattered the windows, then unlocked the doors and dragged the plump woman and her driver from the limo. When the chauffeur reached inside his jacket for what investigators assumed was a gun, one investigator discharged his weapon twice, striking the chauffeur in the neck and head and killing him. Winfrey was on the ground shrieking at the top of her lungs, “I’m Oprah Winfrey! I’m Oprah Winfrey,” as the investigators zip-tied her swollen wrists. They heaved her and the corpse into the limousine, which the investigators hijacked to dispose of the chauffeur’s body and bring Winfrey to a JAG detainment facility. It turned out that the chauffeur had been reaching not for a gun but for “presidential immunity papers,” essentially a notecard purportedly signed by Joseph R. Biden granting Winfrey broad immunity against arrest and prosecution. When investigators checked the outgoing call history on Winfrey’s still unlocked phone, they realized the person she had been screeching at was the Dark Lord himself, Barack Hussein Obama. Winfrey was taken to GITMO shortly after, and she will face a military tribunal. Our source said the charges against Winfrey are vast and substantiated by solid evidence to be presented at the tribunal. For example, JAG says Winfrey had foreknowledge of the firestorm that ravaged parts of Maui in October. A week before the blaze, Winfrey hired contractors to coat the entirety of her Maui estate with fireproof resin. Hers was one of a few opulent estates to survive the inferno magically. Winfrey was part of a villainous group that planned to raze Maui to the ground and rebuild a “smart 15-minute city” on the ashes. “That’s just one of many crimes,” our source said. “We have her dead to rights, and all will be revealed at her tribunal.” Our source said the individual now publicly portraying Winfrey is a shoddy body double. “Soon after the arrest, another Winfrey made public appearances. Only this Winfrey was somehow 200 pounds lighter. These fat celebs seem to love Ozempic, but even that isn’t going to get rid of 200 pounds of flab in three days. Oprah, the real Oprah, will probably hang for what she’s done,” our source said. 
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