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A short introduction first. I am Helen, I am 40 years old, married but feeling caged in my married live. I have 2 . I am working part-time but kinda irregular hours. I am usually classical dressed, except when i come online (when i am online i am alone at home) i usually try to dress sexy. I enjoy bying stuff, but also enjoy coooking and gardening i just changed the title and already shame myself for admitting i enjoy the site
16/06/2005
Dear all,
I have been a member now for some weeks and have had contact with several members in here. Because of these talks, the many mails i received, the possibility the site gave me to explore a little i think it is appropriate to post a message about how all this has effected me.
Maybe for the ones that I haven't spoken to yet and who are reading this first some backgorund. I am married for more then 15 years now and up till last summer (summer2004) i never had an affair or did something 'naughty'. Before my marriage i obviously had some boyfriends and during my studies i had the occasional one night stand but besides that expierience i was (am still) kinda off a novice. My husband has his own enterprise and is very occupied with his business. We managed to have 2 :-) but gradually our sexlife went down. Still i was/am not unhappy and i really do still love him. Last year we had decided to go to the south of europe for a beach holiday without the . After 2 days we had to return home because of his business. My husband convinced me to stay after a rather ' heavy discussion'. Yes i can have a bad temper.
I was sad but most of it i was angry and already decided i would buy whatever i wanted :-) For breakfast i was alone, lunch (small one) i was alone and diner i was alone. On the beach i was alone bathing in the sun and apparantly it was noticed. Two days after my husband had 'left' me a man came up to me. It was a tall virile man, not a beauty but not ugly neither and i was still angry. After the normal initial conversation, no i did not mention i was married at that time, he asked if i would join him for a party that evening. I was glad he did and thus gladly accepted. During that evening i danced and enjoyed his attention. He was there with 3 of his friends who where also at the party. I danced a lot and drank too much and laughed and danced and drank. I guess some of you recognize the loose attitude one can have when on holliday. Yes i felt this man's hand on my butt, yes he sometimes caressed my thighs, yes i felt his hardon against me when we danced closely, sweaty, but we partied and i admit i enjoyed the attention.
It was past 3 near 4 i guess, it was still dark outside when he asked me to join him outside. i was drunk and laughed and felt excited as if i was 16 again. once outside he turned and kissed me while he pulled me close. i did not resist and kissed back. as he did this he pushed me back leading me a little away from the dancing to the dunes between the beach and the rather deserted dancing. I guess i don't have to tell you what happened there. Not only he but also his friends joined in and all took turn. The funny thing is that even though they swapped places i was not angry. I was just surprised for a moment but it felt good to be wanted. it felt good to lay there spread open before a number of men who wanted me and took me. My husband found his business more important then me no? Afterwards they drove me to my hotel. The next day was a little funny as he was doubting to come to me so at the beach i went to them and laid down to sunbathe. That was the confirmation they needed and i had a wonderfull sexfilled holliday. It had arroused me that night and it made me think.
When i was home again my normal life restarted. I never mentioned to my husband what happened. I only had my memories and the pictures as proof of what happened. From time to time i thought about it and looked at the pictures. The more time passed the more i shamed myself but also the more i felt it excited me.
As of mid february i started to use the internet when my husband and where out. I had developed a mixed emotion of 'it was fun behind his back to let myself go' and being ashamed of facing the fact i acted like a slut. These thoughts only brought me excitement. I saw a number of pics from 'reall gross' to 'god sugar sweet yuck' and read different stories on homepages and dirty adult sites. By then it aroused me to pretend being a slut, being called names and trying to imagine myself in the place of some of the characters i read about or saw.
I immediately joined as the black background and sexy frontpage for some reason arroused me. I have tried to fill out the many different surveys as good as i could and decide to post a number of my pics. The idea that other men would now see me and possibly would contact me just made me so horny and indeed it took not so long or i had winks messages and invitations to join their network.
I also opened the messenger and was contacted directly. I was and still am a member as the scene excites me for some reason. During the conversations online i moreless noticed some differences. There are the men, couples or groups who simply say 'hi' or 'hello'. which is not much as an intro. I usually accept all invitations but when i am talking with somebody i usually reply that i am busy, as some of you will definitely have noticed, sometimes i simply have to decline or ignore if it is too crowded. Please don't take this as an offense. But there were other invitations, people who have excited me enormously with the way they spoke to me (Dirk, David, Richard, ...) People who brought/bring me close to the words yes i want to meet you soon. Somehow they also came over quit possesive as many of the members here. What i wan't to say is that i have my feelings, my emotions, my fantasies just as everybody has his/her fantasies. I have to admit i enjoy having much attention buy different men while many of the people who have contacted me want me for themselves. I moreless have to make a contract that i am theirs. I can see that that is exciting for them but my problem is i have been with 1 man for the last 15 years (- 14 days) and i have trouble in comitting to that. I have to admit that i did say 'I am your slut, do with me what you want' in some conversations atmoments where i became very very aroused. I also have to admit that it excites me to talk wit different men. I'm not sure if i will be able to explain this correctly but i am trying. Maybe i better say what it is that excites me.
What is doing it apparantly for me now is to know that there is a real man at the other side who is talking to me. When i am talked to in a rather hulmiliating way i noticed it excites me, my belly, my breath, my throat, my lips, my thighs, my... responds in a way. When i feel the man would definitely be in chareg if/when we meet it simply immediately focusses me. I usually undress completely or keep stockings and high heels on. The 'play' has then begun for me and it only excites me more when i pretend i am sitting in front of the man showing myself, which i in that case do by sending other pics of me. I have thought about a webcam but I want to keep this a secret from hubby and so currently do not want to do webcam. I noticed that when i am talked to and been givin orders which i can execute it thrills me even more. One time a master told me to stand with legs spread when i talk to him and i stood for more then an hour. It was tiring but i was also dripping after that hour after i had actually done things to me on request although i have also hurt myself ones by penetrating me too fast. I simply logged of then....sorry for this if you are reading this. A number of men also send me pics of themselves and pics taken from the web saying that they should treat me as on the picture. I never thought that i would enjoy looking at 'dirty pics' but when i am doing myself on command, stand naked and feel as a slut and be talked to and treated as one and then get the extra visual confirmation of how this person who is talking to me would treat me it simply fills me with shame and desire and lust. it is strange how this works and it is hard to explain but i think i moreless have summarized it.
I am not sure where all this will lead me to but i am glad that i already know myself better now by talking to you and by being a member of this site. So before I forget I want to thank everybody including the people from alt to make this possible.
Now that i know what excites me i think it is i hope also clearer for the men who contact me to be sure if i can excite them. If i can bring the pleasure they seek. If what i do or think is partially what they are seeking, fully waht they want or simply far from enough. I nevertheless welcome every remark, question or suggestion that you have. Concerning the messages i receive via mail i also admit i have deleted a number of them as they simply ask me for a date, or ask me something i am not interested in. As a normal member i can only reply up to 10 messages a day. Take into account that i cannot go to alt daily. At work all is blocked, no adult sites (which i find normal) but also no webbased email nor chat (maybe normal but i find it unfortunate) At home i am sometimes (often) stuck with my and sometimes(very often) with my husband as he is working from home. So when i can go online and find too many messages i have to select whom i'll answer. My appologies to the ones i never answered. If i can i however will even if it is to say i am not interested.
I think this is it about my 'confession' as i have to admit i need fun, submission and dominance more the i would admit when amongst friends. I am looking forward on how i will evolve and how my confession will be appreciated or not by you.
submissive, sensual greetings from a i hope i can say 'likeminded' woman
helen
My Ideal Person:
I am seeking secretely contact with men who could lift my life to a 'higher' level meaning who could trigger my fantasies.
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